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i'm feeling conflicted lately. i've been thinking about… - heidi [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
heidi

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[Jan. 27th, 2003|05:54 pm]
heidi
[mood |complacentcomplacent]
[music |belly]

i'm feeling conflicted lately. i've been thinking about livejournal/opendiary -- the whole concept of it. i remember years ago when every little thing was important enough to write about, and i feel weary when i think of the heidi of two years ago. when did i get so old and tired? it seems to take so much effort these days, and i don't want it to be tedious. i want to love it again. further than that, my neglect of my journals has left me with almost no contact with most of you, and that makes me feel like a bad friend. but then i think, shouldn't our friendships be transcending livejournal/opendiary by now?

but apart from online journalling issues, i'm feeling quite fine. i haven't been writing because, in part, things have been going tremendously well. school is fine. i'm behind, but that's to be expected, because that's me. but the difference between this and the past is that right now i'm Manageably Behind, whereas i've always been Hopelessly Behind most of the time. it's progress.

transitions are beginning to occur. jenny is leaving this week for north carolina, for good, and i'm going to miss her a lot. she's one of the few friends left in this town. my girls are preparing to graduate in may, looking for jobs now. right now it looks like erika and julia are both heading to southern california, and candis may go that way eventually, too. i've got it in my head that no one apart from those three matters anymore. i'm not actively friends with deanna or laura anymore, and i love the boys to death but we've all grown apart. after may, the only people left will be sara and kj, and maybe andy and leslie for a little while. it's a lonely world sometimes.

but. this is what meeting people is all about. i need to be more neighborly and outgoing. i'm sure once i graduate in december and get a job i'll make friends out of necessity. i think i'm going to take my sister up on her offer to connect me with some non-profit organizations, because i think i'll find more like-minded people there than if i were to work as a corporate whore at one of the many profitable corporations in my city.

sigh. i still don't know what i want to do with my life.

here's what i did today: slept til 9:30 because baby let us; skipped recitation because i didn't read the material; went to class and daydreamed; spent most of the afternoon on the internet or with the x-box while baby napped. [x-box is so not good for productivity. yikes.]

i feel like i don't have anything interesting to say anymore.
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Comments:
[User Picture]From: lovetruthbeauty
2003-01-27 04:34 pm (UTC)
ive been feeling the same way lately about od/lj. i used to write every day, multiple times a day. about absolutely nothing. and now i have things going on, but im too tired to write. its too hard to find the energy to recollect everything thats happened. its all just moving so quickly. but again, it is my way to keeping in contact with some people, so ... its a love/hate relationship, i guess.
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[User Picture]From: bellavita
2003-01-27 04:48 pm (UTC)

Re:

exactly. but it's not much of keeping in touch when i'm not writing, so i feel like i have to, but i don't want to, etc.
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[User Picture]From: whitetide
2003-01-28 12:21 am (UTC)
your words are always interesting to me because you're an extremely interesting person. even when you think you're not :) and, i see these friendships (surely ours) as transceding online journals. even when the contact isn't as frequent.

i love you, beautiful girl. and i'm glad to hear things have been going well.
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From: doubled_up
2003-01-29 06:50 am (UTC)
I could definitely see you working for a non-profit. a regular corporation would just drain you, as it would me.

but sigh, this is indeed the time for transition. the uncertainty and instability is wearing on everybody I know, I think.

I'm glad things are going well for you, though. :) much love.
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